When Love Hurts Instead of Heals

During my first episode 3 people came together to try and help me but ended up ruining a small part of my life.

A professor I worked for and 2 of my best friends came up with a plan to trick me into going to a hospital for a psych eval.

One of my friends approached me at school and told me she needed me to stay with her overnight to help on a project.

She watched as I called my husband (who was not privy to the plan) and told him I would be staying with her that night.

Then we walked to the professor’s car where the other friend waited.

The professor said she was just giving us a ride to my friends house.

I was off enough to not think anything weird about it.

We drove to a hospital where we got into a large, emotional fight about me getting an eval.

I ended up going into the eval.

The professor tried to come with me back into the eval room. I coldly told her I didn’t want her there.

I felt so betrayed and humiliated.

I did need the help, I was having an episode.

It was my first so it was really scary and no one really knew what was going on.

My husband didn’t know what was going on until I called him crying from inside the evaluation room.

I waited for a long time by myself in the room before my husband or a doctor showed up.

don’t remember what happened in the room during the eval.

I do know that at that point I wasn’t so far gone that I had to be forced into staying overnight in a hospital bed.

I learned later that I signed an AMA that allowed me to leave the hospital.

They really wanted me to check myself in and I refused.

I was scared and livid.

I felt like I had been kidnapped, that classification seemed totally reasonable to me at the time.

I was so mad at my mentor and friends that I froze them out after I was out of the hospital.

They had lied to me during the most vulnerable time of my life, when I was unable to think clearly or understand the implications of what they were asking me to do.

I wish they had just called the police on me.

At least then they could have denied it was them who called and been there to support me afterward.

They apologized later but I always felt like they were apologizing for what happened afterwards instead of what they actually did.

The part that made me the most mad was that they didn’t include my husband in their planning.

It was horribly stressful for him.

It wasn’t fair.

It wasn’t right.

I wish it had gone differently.

I wish I had been able to calm down enough to talk to them about it later, but it was pretty raw for a long time.

I forgive them now, but we can’t have the same relationship we had before it happened.

They broke my trust in such a fundamental way that I don’t know how to get it back.

miss them.

hope they do better next time.

For the next person.

Author: A Bipolar Record

Bipolar Birdie created "A Bipolar Record" in order to gain catharsis about her experiences with her bipolar disorder. She was diagnosed when she was 23 and in the last year of her graduate program. She lives in Austin with her husband, parents, and 2 cats. She currently works as a math tutor in a middle school.

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