Scary thoughts, fetal positions, and angels among us

** Trigger warning: discussion of depressive thoughts and obvious references to self harm and suicidal ideation as thought by the author **

** National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1–800–273–8255 **

I just need to get through this semester and then I can go to my internship. 

Ok, just one more flight and then I’m there. 

I’m so glad I got the apartment with my friend from college. 

Ok, first day, here I go. 

My boss seems nice. 

This is overwhelming

I can’t do this. 

Shit. 

I can’t be crying in the bathroom like this.

Why did they hire me? 

I hope tomorrow is better. 

I need to stop crying in this shower. 

Just make it through the workday and you can go home and rest. 

Ok, calm down your roommate just went to go workout. 

Seriously, you need to get up off the ground. 

Why are you in the fetal position? 

Go get something to eat out of the kitchen.

Now. 

Stop looking at the knives. 

Seriously. 

They’re “tempting”? 

No. 

Stop. 

Now. 

You need to call your mom. 

You can’t stay here like this. 

A job is not worth your life. 

No. 

Not a good idea. 

You’ll just have hairy legs for a while. 

No razors. 

Staying with mom and dad for the summer is a good idea. 

They can help you get better. 

Ok, follow this new diet and it will help you feel better. 

Give it more time

It will work. 

It’s not working because you’re not trying hard enough. 

See you even fail at getting better. 

What is wrong with you? 

No wonder everyone around you hates you. 

Yeah, even them. 

We both know they think you’re a burden.

 You’re supposed to be an adult after 18 but you’re like a kid again. 

You’ll never be ready in time for school. 

You’re failing at recovery and you’ll fail out of your classes in the fall too. 

Your life is ruined, can you see a way for things to get better? 

I sure can’t

Wouldn’t it be nice if you had some extra time to get yourself together? 

You know, life if the world sort of stopped spinning for a little bit? 

Or, if it stopped spinning altogether

I know, it sounds extreme

But

I don’t really see how you have any other choice given what we both know about your current situation. 

Now, let’s go make a plan to stop… 

…everything. (** National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1–800–273–8255 **)

Mom: Sweetie, I know it’s hard to talk about but are you having suicidal thoughts? You seem really in your head lately. I’m worried about you. Things are going to get better, maybe not today, tomorrow, or next week but everything is going to be ok. Don’t make a permanent decision based on a temporary feeling. 

Don’t listen to her. 

She doesn’t know what this feels like. 

It isn’t going to get better, we both know that. 

Therapist: Now we need to be really worried about this if you start making a plan. Try not to focus on these thoughts anymore. What is it you’re always quoting? Oh, “depression lies”. Remember that, things are going to get better, even if you can’t feel it right now. 

She’s definitely still wrong

Right? 

Ok, I’m going to try and think about the future. 

What do I want to do first once I get back home to my husband? 

Oh shit, I haven’t had ice cream in forever because I’ve been trying that ridiculous eating plan that is supposed to balance my gut biome and therefore my brain chemicals. 

I’m still gonna try it for awhile but since it hasn’t worked so far I doubt it will. 

You’re still a burden

If you just tried harder you wouldn’t be in this situation. 

Why don’t you… 

STOP. 

Stop talking to me like that. 

You’re hurting me. 

Please. 

Stop. 

I think it’s time for medication

I need to believe things are going to get better. 

Everything is still shitty. 

Husband: You seem a little happier lately. I think the meds might be helping. Things are getting better. 

But… no. 

They are getting better. 

Professor: Everything is going to be ok in the end, if it’s not ok, it’s not the end. 

Those were some horrible ups and downs. 

Things are ok.

** National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1–800–273–8255 **

Author: A Bipolar Record

Bipolar Birdie created "A Bipolar Record" in order to gain catharsis about her experiences with her bipolar disorder. She was diagnosed when she was 23 and in the last year of her graduate program. She lives in Austin with her husband, parents, and 2 cats. She currently works as a math tutor in a middle school.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

%d bloggers like this: