Messy Life

Woman tidying room

I have always struggled with keeping my room clean. Even as a child. It wasn’t for my parent’s lack of trying to teach me or motivate me with rewards. Instead, it was the lack of caring and a lack of motivation. Later we found out it was from depressive episodes due to Bipolar. These tendencies have followed me into adulthood. However, now I have a whole house and four minions, and four animals to clean up after as well. You can decide which term is for my children versus my pets. 

Things are on my terms now. Yet, are they? I go through phases…

Thankfully, in a sense, things are on my terms now. Yet, are they? I go through phases, probably like many of you, one week I rush around and can clean the entire house. Other days I won’t pick up a single thing as I step over the mess to head through the chaos to the kitchen wrapped in my hoodie blanket.

It gets overwhelmingly bad more often than I’d like to admit. Many times without me noticing the intensity of it. Until I wake up from my fog and see how awful things are. Blinded by depression I once again let things fall into chaos. By then it feels like a strenuous task that needs to be completed. I feel defeated and at a loss of where to even begin. 

Thankfully, I finally found a combination of medications that seem to be helping me. On the days where I don’t have motivation, I start with one simple task, sweeping the kitchen floor. Just one little thing. It either jump starts me in thinking “I can do this” and I clean more or I get done with it and know I tried my best for today.  I’ll sweep again the next day and hopefully do more than that. It can be anything, dishes, a load of laundry, wiping down your table, etc. 

I never look down on others who have messy homes, life happens, bipolar happens, it’s just how it goes. I, unfortunately, feel incredibly judged if anyone ever comes over. Since the pandemic hit, we don’t have many visitors so it’s been somewhat of a relief in that aspect. Now I clean for myself and my peace of mind rather than for what others may think of me. My house will never be ready for a magazine or social media, but it brings me peace and happiness and that’s all that matters.

Just start small, make it a habit rather than an arduous task you dread. Changing my mindset around cleaning has been a huge help. My children deserve better, I deserve better, and YOU, my friend deserve better. Take it day by day, we deserve to live in a cleaner environment and have less chaos in an already chaotic world.

I deserve better, and YOU, my friend deserve better

Wishing you the best, and I hope you’re able to cut through the fog today.

Author: EmilyLivesOn

Stay at home mom of 4 awesome kids. Small business owner. Spontaneous adventurer, artist, and a pro at napping. Diagnosed with Bipolar 1 in 2009. Mental Health advocate.

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